New Year’s resolution alternative: The ask-and-receive challenge

[Back to 5 more effective alternatives to New Year’s resolutions]

Do you habitually ask for help when you need it?

If you don’t, what effect do you suppose that is having? What effect is it having on what you are able to accomplish? What effect is it having on your well-being? What effect is it having on what’s even possible in your life?

How about receiving? How are you at opening yourself to receiving (in all its forms)?

The ask-and-receive challenge is about dialing up both your asking and receiving game.

Before I dive into the specifics of the challenge, let’s look at each of the pieces in turn.

Asking

For many of us, asking for help is one of the most daunting things we do. So daunting that the common solution is often just not to do it. “Nope, I don’t need help. Nothing to see here. Move along.”

But here’s the thing. You DO need help. I don’t care who you are, or what you’re doing, if you insist on doing it alone you’re cheating yourself (and the world) of what’s possible.

We humans are social critters. We need each other. A stoic do-it-yerself attitude (or an emotional martyr do-it-yerself attitude, for that matter) flies in the face of that.

What if you got in the habit of a) recognizing when you need help and b) asking for it? What doors might that open? What pain might that eliminate?

Receiving

The flip side of the self-inflicted obstacle of not asking is not receiving. Most of us are pretty good at giving. We love to be able to help. It feels good to give gifts. But when it comes to being on the receiving end of that equation, a lot of us kinda suck.

Every time you refuse to receive, you deprive someone of the opportunity to give. Giving and receiving is a cycle, like breathing. They’re both equally important parts of the equation (just try to breathe out and refuse to breathe in, and you’ll see what I mean).

Becoming more adept at receiving opens doors. It opens doors to support. It opens doors to reclaimed time. It opens doors to opportunities.

It also gives other people the opportunity to give. And for most of us, unless being a chronic over-giver has burned us out, giving feels good. Not only does it feel good, when people feel like they’re givers, it can sometimes make it easier for them to accept help when they need it (“I have enough ‘giving credits’ in the bank to cover this receiving – I guess it’s OK to accept it.”).

 So in a roundabout but real way, saying yes to receiving helps other people too.

The asking challenge

The ask-and-receive challenge is a way to pry yourself out of the idea that asking for and receiving help or other gifts is somehow unacceptable. It’s an opportunity to practice – month after month – both asking and receiving.

On the asking side, it’s about using the next year to get used to making requests. As you do that over and over, you start to expand your comfort zone to include various forms of asking for help.

To start, ask this one question on a regular basis:

What help do I need that I’m not asking for?

Look at your life in 360 degrees. It might be help at work, or at home. It might be a problem you have kept to yourself that you could use a sounding board for. Or it might be support in making a hard decision.

The list of things you could use help with, right now, is practically bottomless. That’s not any reflection on you. It’s a reflection on the interconnected nature of life as a human. We’re not meant to do it all ourselves. Whee-ha!

The more you ask yourself that question, the more you will recognize the places you are holding back from asking.

And that leads us to the next question. At the beginning of each month, take stock of your life – maybe dividing it into categories like work, family, finances, personal growth, etc. – and ask:

“What one thing can I ask for help with this month that would be a game changer?”

Or:

“What one thing can I ask for help with this month that would move the needle?”

It might be help figuring out a solution to a sticky problem. It might entail help taking some of the load of responsibilities at home off your shoulders so you have time to pursue a hobby or activity that adds richness and meaning to your life (or even just so you have time for better self-care). It could be asking for an introduction as you explore a business idea that inspires you.

The key is that the help you ask for does two things:

• Stretches your comfort zone: For some the very act of asking for any help might do this. For others, they might find that there are certain kinds of help, or certain requests that feel like a stretch.
• Makes a difference: Aim to put your finger on a request that would make a difference in your life. Maybe it frees up time. Maybe it eases an emotional burden. Maybe it gives you a stepping stone that brings you one step closer to a goal or dream that is important to you. Or it could open the door to greater connection. Whatever it is, the idea is to harness the magic of asking to move your life in a positive direction.

The receiving challenge

The “receiving” side of the challenge is much less proactive and more about simply saying yes (or thank you) when the opportunity arises, in ways both big and small.

“Can I pick something up at the store for you?”

Yes.

“Could you use some help figuring out how to set up that new web site?”

Yes.

“You have such a gift at _______.” (fill in the blank with your superpower)

Thank you.

“I love that sweater.”

Thank you.

You get the idea. Receiving is about both saying yes and not deflecting.

Every morning, make it a mantra to say, “Today I’m open to receiving.” Put sticky notes up as a reminder. Tell your friends what you’re doing so they can call you on it when you try to say no.

The goal is to both notice the opportunities to receive and make it more natural to do.

You can still give to your heart’s content. You can still be someone who helps and serves, if that’s your jam. But the more you open to receiving, the more your personal potential to thrive grows.

And that helps everyone. 

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